


If You Love Me

by Pearl_Unplanned



Series: Cap_Ironman Bingo 2016 (1) [17]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Cap_Ironman Bingo, Dark, Depressed Tony Stark, Hurt Tony Stark, Implied/Referenced Suicidal Actions, M/M, Not Really A Happy Ending, Possibly Unrequited Love, Post-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Pre-Relationship, Stony Bingo, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-24
Updated: 2016-07-24
Packaged: 2018-07-26 11:33:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7572583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pearl_Unplanned/pseuds/Pearl_Unplanned
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The entire world was a spiral of darkness and despair, choking out any sort of hope or light that might come across its deadly and destructive path. Sounded a bit overdramatic, but Tony didn't care. He'd been called overdramatic far too many times t really care anymore. In fact, there was a lot of stuff that he didn't care about anymore.<br/>--<br/>Tony's drinking again, post-Ultron, when he decides things might be better if he's not there anymore. Steve disagrees.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If You Love Me

**Author's Note:**

> tw: suicidal thoughts/actions, alcohol abuse, language, open ending?  
> I've been writing sad things, and I don't know why. This is another one of those sad things.  
> Ending can be taken as he'll get better or worse, up to reader.  
> I'm sorry.

 

            The entire world was a spiral of darkness and despair, choking out any sort of hope or light that might come across its deadly and destructive path. Sounded a bit overdramatic, but Tony didn't care. He'd been called overdramatic far too many times t really care anymore. In fact, there was a lot of stuff that he didn't care about anymore.

            What was there left to care about when he was the worst person on the entire planet? Now _that_ he wasn't being overdramatic about. He wouldn't be surprised if every person in the entire world hated him for what he'd done, and he couldn't blame them. He was a horrible person.

            He stared at the half-empty bottle in his hand, scoffing in disgust. He'd tried, he really had, for the longest time. He'd quit drinking when he realized that he could have friends again. He'd tried so hard to keep from going back to the bad habit.

            _Dad always did tell me I was worthless._

            Steve was his rock. Steve kept him strong, helped him not go back to drinking. Whenever he'd felt like drinking again, Steve would take him out to get hotdogs or milkshakes or go for a walk in the park. He'd take Tony out on his motorcycle, he'd set up a movie, or he'd ask if he wanted to spar. Tony was eternally grateful every time Steve asked him to do something, because he _loved_ spending time with Steve.

            Ever since the team had started, Tony had been crushing on the super-soldier. While he knew that either Steve didn't know, or he did and just wasn't going to treat Tony differently just because he didn't feel the same, Tony didn't give up. He'd stopped flirting relentlessly with Steve since it had seemed to make him uncomfortable in the beginning, but he never did lose those feelings.

            Not even now, when he'd managed to destroy the one good thing in his life.

            The team was broken. Bruce was gone, no one knew where he might've been. Clint and Natasha had gone to the farmhouse while everything cooled off. Thor returned to Asgard. Tony expected Steve to leave—after all, he wanted to start training the new Avengers that were going to join the team.

            _Why did things have to change?_

            Steve came back to the tower, though. Tony had been so excited to see him... but it didn't take long for them to start arguing. Their arguments got worse. They'd yell and scream until their throats were raw and their hearts were heavy. Tony would lock himself in the lab, Steve would leave the tower. He'd think that the super-soldier was leaving for good each and every time, but Steve always came back.

            He didn't know why.

            Why would anyone want to come back to him? He was a complete and utter fuck-up. He'd tried turning himself around. He'd changed his company from weapons to green energy. He'd tried getting rid of all of the weapons that he could find, held by terrorists. Every time a Stark weapon was used to kill someone, it was another name on the list of people who wouldn't be dead if it weren't for him.

            But then, after he'd been trying for so long, he'd gone and fucked it all up again. Ultron. Why in the world had he thought that Ultron would be a good idea? _Because I always make the wrong decisions._

            He was supposed to be a _good_ guy. He was supposed to help people, and make the world better. That didn't happen.

            Tony choked back a sob as he sank down onto the ground. This was all his fault.

            Drowning himself with alcohol was so easy this day and age.

            He'd messed up. All he could do was mess up. And now he'd started drinking again? God, Steve would be so disappointed with him.

            But Steve was even angrier with him right now. He'd already chased Steve off again, yelling and cursing and telling Steve to _just leave already—_

            "I'm sorry," Tony sobbed, taking a long drink from the bottle in his hand. He was disgusting. He chased people away. But he was used to it.

            After all, Tony Stark doesn't have a heart, right? All he's got is that iron backbone from his dear old dad. Tony sighed, trying to focus back on the bottle in his hand. It was already starting to blur out of control, which was in a way very comforting.

            If he could just keep drinking until he couldn't feel anymore...

            The bottle slipped from his hand, though when it shattered on the ground, he could barely hear it. Great, there goes everything. Now he could just let the black hole that was his world suck him in and get rid of him. He didn't matter anyway. The world would be better if he didn't even exist...

            What a sad thought. Tony pressed his forehead against the wall, trying to force himself farther into the corner, knowing that he couldn't get any smaller. His sniffling, snotty sobs were running down his face, getting caught in his beard. It was disgusting. What was wrong with him?

            Everything. Maybe the world _would_ be better without him. No more Ultrons, no more Stark weapons, no more of those awful mistakes on his part. He'd never create something that wanted to destroy the world again, he'd never cause something awful that would kill hundreds more... Ultron had killed _so many people_. But it wasn't Ultron. Ultron wouldn't be around if it weren't for him.

            _He_ had killed all those people. It was all his fault.

            _Please forgive me._

            The world would be better without him.

            The shattered glass from the bottle felt so nice against his wrists. If he ended it now, he wouldn't be able to fuck up so badly anymore.

            He gasped, feeling something touching his shoulder. He flinched away, trying to get farther into the corner.

            "Tony, please." Steve's voice cracked as he spoke. No, he shouldn't be here. Beautiful, perfect Steve. Wonderful, kind, sweet and generous, always the do-gooder Steve. Why would Steve come to him when the man hated him so much? Why would he not just leave him to die in peace? _You don't deserve peace._ "Stop this."

            "Leave me alone," Tony cried, gripping the piece of glass tighter. He wanted to feel it. He wanted to be able to feel again. He wanted to know that Tony Stark _did_ have a heart. But he couldn't lie to himself. He knew he didn't. "Please, just let me go."

            There wasn't even any pain inside, not anymore. They were right. No heart, no soul.

            No pain. Not anymore.

            "I can't do that," Steve said. There was only pain in his voice. Tony didn't even have any will left to struggle as he was lifted into the air. He didn't have any will left to fight as he was moved to the couch. He didn't have any fight left in him.

            He was ready to let go.

            "I refuse to let you kill yourself," Steve whispered. His voice was the only thing that shone through that darkness.

            His voice was the speck of light.

            "Everything would be so much better," Tony cried. "If I weren't here... You hate me. You all hate me."

            _Why won't you just let me go? I'm worthless, I don't deserve it._

            "I could never hate you," Steve said, and he knew America's Golden Boy couldn't lie. So he let Steve wrap up his wrists, he let Steve curl around him, hold him, whisper words of comfort. He let the blond stay there, try to piece him back together with words that meant nothing and quiet tears that felt like daggers in the heart that he didn't have.

            And when the alcohol was gone from his system, Steve stayed. God, Steve always stayed.


End file.
